Emotional Barriers to Communication
In our previous devotion on communication, we talked about a huge barrier to communication: burnout. Today, I would like to explore another communication barrier: our unhitched emotions. But first, let me share a personal story.
When I was a young Youth Pastor on the coast, I had a troubling experience—a rouge leader refused to obey the safe ministry checks.
Sadly, I had to make the painful call to stand them down due to the situation. My heart rate was high, and the call caused me to panic. Dread went over me. I didn't want to upset this leader, even though they refused to obey the law. It was clear after I made contact with the leader that the message was not received well.
Then came Friday night. 15 minutes after the event started, who arrived? The non-compliant leader, and it was an absolute mess. In front of other leaders and teens, I had to ask them to leave the site. Even though they tried to ignore my presence, after a frank conversation (shared in a gracious tone, of course), they left the site in an outburst of rage.
As I tried to continue to pastor that night, my emotions—anger, anxiety, and fatigue—began to take their toll. I started to second-guess myself and wondered if I did the right thing. The embarrassment of it all caused me to turn inward in bitterness. My eye contact faded, and I shut down, creating a barrier that hurt the team.
Truth: Our emotions can cause breakdowns in communication—which ultimately hurt our relationships with one other.
But don't just take my word for it. This truth is scattered throughout the whole Bible—almost on every page. Take the story of "Cain and Abel" for example.
Read Genesis 4:1-8
After Abel and Cain made offerings to God, the Lord only "looked with favour on Abel and his offering" (v4b). How did Cain react? Like me in my story, "his face was downcast" (v5c). He became inward-looking, and it was not healthy. He was also "very angry" (v5b).
The word "very angry" (ḥā·rā) means to "blaze up", to "be hot", to "burn with displeasure." Think about a volcano about to explode, unleashing destructive molten lava across the terrain. That is the emotional state of Cain. He has a hot fury that is about damage all his relationships, ripping his family apart. He has “a strong feeling of displeasure, with a focus of an action to follow.”1
What happened next? Even though God pleaded with him to “rule” over his flesh (v7)—to be godly, to be self-controlled—he did not listen. Even before the voice of God, the majestic king of creation, his rage blazed on. His heart was hard. He was a lost cause. He did not want to speak an apology to God. Words of peace were not found within him. He had become a beast.
And so, Cain reinterprets justice for himself and with rage takes action. He spoke words of trickery to Abel and then "attacked his brother and killed him" (v8b). His inability to manage his emotions disrupted his ability to communicate honestly and lovingly. The result was tragic: death. The blood of his brother soaked the sin-broken ground.
Truth: When communication breaks—vertically with God or horizontally between each other—death often follows.
In intense situations, that can be physical death. But most of the time, it is the death of relationships or even the demise of gospel-advancing ministries. But this does not need to be our story nor our future.
James 1:19 presents us with a gospel way for communication—the way of Jesus Christ: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be (1) quick to listen, (2) slow to speak and (3) slow to become angry." This is the radical alternative that stands in direct contrast to Cain and his volcanic rage. This is where love meets communication.
And so, when our ungodly emotions are taking over, when we are tempted to act light beasts rather than saints, let us not embrace trickery or ill motives. Instead, lift your head high.
Look to Jesus.
Learn to listen again.
Work hard to understand.
Speak at a slower speed.
Seek to rule the flesh.
Here the point:
When your emotions are high, press into loving communication.
1 James Swanson, Dictionary of Biblical Languages with Semantic Domains : Hebrew (Old Testament) (Oak Harbor: Logos Research Systems, Inc., 1997).